Settling into something, halfway

The panic attack I had at the kitchen table,
silent and mumbling in my own head, led
me to my bed afterwards, and lay flat-rodded,
back against the sheets, staring only at the
ceiling, I called you just to hear your voice
rumble through the speakerphone, let some
other noise fill the space between my ears,
in my head, listen for a moment to your words
in whatever order you wished them to be,
I hesitated for a moment after you said I miss
you, you pointed out my hesitation and I lied
with a truth, said I’m so high, and I was, but
truthfully I couldn’t imagine letting myself
admit something so clearly, even something
so small, so evident as how much I missed
you, needed your voice in my ears as I fell
asleep, calmed down the horrors I only ever
keep inside my head, I missed you then as I
miss you now, but miss more so the possibility
of what we could be if I stopped hesitating,
started letting light in and secrets out, stopped
defining my emotions as secrets meant to keep,
be kept, stopped glancing at the legs of others,
searching for a way out of this before I have to
give myself over to you completely.